Things I Learned on HGTV

Throughout my recent lengthy (and unpaid) involuntary "vacation," I had plenty of time to watch Home & Garden Television. You can learn a lot on that network, from the commercials as well as the programs. Herewith a sampling of the nuggets of wisdom I gleaned over the last six months.

• Before remodeling, one couple in Miami Beach had a master bath that was "so waterlogged, there were even frogs in there."
• The more irritating the commercial, the more frequently it will be aired.
• Las Vegas does not allow wood-burning fireplaces.
• The people featured on Groundbreakers, Dream Homes, Landscapers' Challenge, Designers' Challenge, and many other HGTV shows have a lot more money than I do.
• The most irritating commercials are those that employ small children reciting lines that no child would ever say in real life. HGTV seems to run a lot of those.
  
• 90% of the landscaping, remodeling, and decorating shows are taped in the southeast or California. Notable exception: Divine Design, which I think is done in Canada. Candice Olson has more than once taped her show opening standing outside a home in the snow, bundled up in a winter coat.
  
• For every remodeling show where the designer insists on painting a beautiful new color over the ugly natural brick fireplace, there will be a different show where the designer goes to great pains to strip ugly old paint off the beautiful natural brick underneath.
• Painted kitchen cabinets will be stripped, while wood-finish cabinets will be painted. Dark wood cabinets will be declared gloomy and oppressive, and will be replaced with light wood cabinets; while light wood cabinets will be declared "dated" and replaced with dark ones.
• Curb appeal is in the eye of the beholder.
  
• Homeowners who are redecorating their house will be exhorted to paint their bland beige walls in vibrant colors to give the rooms more character. When they later decide to sell the house, they will be told they must paint everything in neutral shades to appeal to buyers.
• Anyone can have an instant lawn by laying sod. But I notice that (a) they don't talk about what it costs, and (b) they don't take us back to the made-over back yard three months later to see how the sod is holding up.
• I can do it. Home Depot can help. Sometimes Lowe's can help cheaper, though.
  
• I would fire at least half of the designers on Curb Appeal, the moment they tried to tell me that their paint color choices were much better than mine and that I should just "trust them." I can't comprehend why the homeowners always cave in and then end up saying, "Oh, the designer was right! His/her colors are just marvelous! I'm just an idiot who shouldn't be trusted to choose socks to go with my clothes." If I don't like avocado green, I'm not gonna change my mind just because some designer says, "Trust me."
• I can't help suspecting that Weekend Warriors episodes are designed purposely to provide fodder for future episodes of DIY to the Rescue and Room to Improve.
  
• I want to see the out-takes from shows like Outer Spaces or Debbie Travis's Facelift. You know, the ones where the homeowner says, "Like hell you're going to make over my back yard without me being here!" or "I'm calling the police to arrest you for trespassing, and my lawyer to sue you for remodeling my kitchen without my permission. I don't care who told you it would be OK to paint the cabinets orange and rip out the floors!" That'd be a lot more exciting than the usual tearful joy exhibited by the unsuspecting participants. Just once in a while.
  
• What kind of people will spend $10,000 to decorate a two-year-old's bedroom and coo about how much their little princess will love her fairy-tale room? A two-year-old doesn't care if the room has unpainted drywall and burlap sacks hung over the windows. It's even worse when it's done for a newborn. Those rooms are designed to fulfill the parents' fantasies, not because the kid cares.