Stupid Cable TV Commercials

Having spent a lot of time watching the tube between my layoff in January and my recent return to the workforce, I have seen a shitload (the most appropriately descriptive term I can think of) of cable TV commercials (most of them dozens -- or even hundreds -- of times), the majority of which fall into one or more of the following categories:

• stupid
• condescending
• disgusting
• an insult to the viewer's intelligence
• irritating as hell, especially after you've seen it a hundred times
• any combination of the above
  

Here are some of my pet peeves, cable TV commercial category.

Wagner Paint Crew: "Today you're a super painter!" We see this guy zipping around, painting a room in one quick sweep. In seconds, his power roller spreads paint over the walls of an entire room, magically not touching the trim, floor, etc. In small type at the bottom of the screen, it says "Dramatization". What?! You mean I can't actually paint a room in mere seconds? Damn, and I was just about to go out and buy this amazing invention.

Nutrisystem: ALL of the examples of amazing weight losses they show say "Results not typical" in tiny type at the bottom of the screen. So what is typical? Lord knows, because they aren't going to show us that. It's akin to Ford displaying a bunch of trucks with MPG ratings, with a disclaimer that the gas mileages listed "are not typical" of what ordinary consumers will get. Oh, right, that's what "your mileage may vary" means...

And do they really think it will attract overweight people to try their program when one of their featured "losers" chirps about how she went from a size 10 to a size 4? Why in the name of Richard Simmons does a size 10 person think she's overweight in the first place? Kirstie Alley's a lot more credible in the Jenny Craig commercials.

GEICO: Some of the GEICO "I've got good news -- I just saved a lot of money on car insurance" commercials are kinda funny. Some are stupid. And some are just plain weird, like the "anime-type" cartoon.

Some OTC arthritis drug (Tylenol Arthritis, maybe?):Guy in a white lab coat says, "I'm a research scientist, so when I got arthritis, I did some research." Well, even if he really is a "research scientist" (which I doubt), what's his specialty? Nuclear physics? Marine biology? Does it imbue him with any special expertise in evaluating or recommending arthritis medications? I mean, really, it could be an ad for just about anything: "I'm a research scientist, so when I needed a new car, I did some research." "I'm a research scientist, so when my lawn turned brown, I did some research."

Ionic Breeze Air Cleaners: "Helps keep even dirty bathrooms smelling fresh and clean!" Or, you could clean the bathroom. Just a thought.

Urine-Gone: When I first saw this one, I thought it must be some kind of spoof (maybe a GEICO commercial), but no, it's a real product. The poor woman in the commercial moans, "No matter how much I cleaned, my house smelled like one big litter box!" (Clearly, she needs an Ionic Breeze air cleaner. Or ten.) The commercial demonstrates using the included blacklight to detect "old urine stains" everywhere, including on the outside surface of a toilet bowl. If you have old, unnoticed urine stains on the outside of your toilet bowl, you have a lot more problems than can be solved with Urine-Gone, or an Ionic Breeze, for that matter.

Willis Furniture: This local store purports to have elegant furniture that "won't break the bank." For example, they say, "Dining solutions start at $2999." Well, gee whiz, that's so reasonable, I'll take two. /sarcasm

East Coast Appliance: Another local concoction. I'm assuming the guy in the commercial is the owner, and that it's his pre-adolescent daughter who strikes a pose to spout snotty exclamations like, "Honey, you paid too much money!" and finally yells, "For the last time [editor's note: I wish], you'll pay too much money!" (if you don't buy your appliances there). I've seen these commercials (there are two very similar versions) so many times I want to throw something at the TV when they come on. I don't think I could stand to buy an appliance there now even if they were the cheapest place in town (and they're not).

Then there's the huge category of commercials for products that address dreadful problems you probably didn't even know you had until you saw the commercial. These ads almost always feature a beleaguered women, who just throws up her hands in dismay over her perplexing dilemma, until the product amazingly solves her problem and she's all smiles. (This is where the "condescending" part comes in.)

• "Nothing looks worse than an old painted surface" and ordinary paint strippers "smell bad" and don't work. What's a women to do? Get Reddi-strip, of course! So easy to use, she slops it onto a knick-knack shelf without looking, while gazing lovingly at her small daughter playing nearby (see, it's so safe you don't have to keep it away from kids!). Besides, the initial premise about "old painted surfaces" is pretty shaky to start with, considering the popularity of crackle paint finishes and "distressed" furnishings.
  
• Disorganized woman number 2 just can't deal with her overloaded kitchen cupboard full of a jumble of food storage containers and lids, that come spilling out when she opens the door. Her savior is the SmartSpin, which saves so much space the cupboard is almost empty. Presumably she trashed all her old containers in favor of this matched set of nesting containers in a carousel. Well, shoot, of course her storage containers take up a lot less space -- she doesn't have nearly as many as before!
• In a similar vein, perplexed woman number 3 has a severe closet problem: "Too much stuff, and nowhere else to store it!" All she needs is a Space Bag (well, a lot of Space Bags); when she sucks the air out of the bags, clothing and bedding store in a fraction of the space. Great for travel, and dorm rooms with limited space, too! Is it just me, or does this seem like an impractical way to store or pack things? Once your college student opens his Space Bag-squashed clothing, he's going to need the usual amount of space to store the unstuffed stuff. And how many college students living in dorms -- or travellers -- have a vacuum cleaner handy to re-squash a filled Space Bag? Someone should tell this woman that the key to her problem is, in her own words, "too much stuff." Get rid of some of it.
• Distressed woman number 4 just can't manage to hang a row of pictures in a straight line, or even to hang an individual picture straight. The solution to this distressing problem, supposedly, is a Laser-Strait to project a straight laser beam along the wall. Suddenly all her pictures are hanging plumb and level and all at the same height. Never mind that you can get the same effect by using an ordinary spirit level, or even by measuring down from the ceiling or up from the floor. And if anyone can explain what a laser line does to straighten out a picture that's hanging cockeyed, I'd like to hear it. That's most likely caused by the picture hanger being off-center or the frame not being balanced.
• And finally, there's frustrated woman number 5, who's having problems with her scrapbooking taking up so much time and not turning out the way she wants. The answer, of course, is to buy a product, in this case pre-packaged scrapbooking kits. Evidently, finding a different hobby -- one that you actually enjoy spending time on -- isn't an option. I have to wonder who is forcing this poor lady to scrapbook?