Ice (on the) rocks

Are you concerned about the purity of your ice cubes? Do you dread the onerous chore of filling ice cube trays? Is shoving a mug under the chute of your fridge's ice dispenser just too much of a hassle?

Good news! A revolutionary product hitherto sold only in France, ICE ROCKS®, will soon be available in the U.S. to solve all your ice cube woes.

What the !@#$% are Ice Rocks. you say?

According to the company web site, they are "secured ice cubes made from spring water and ready to be frozen." To elaborate, the product "is sold in its unfrozen state (liquid)" -- thus saving the delivery costs of refrigerated trucks -- and is "hermetically packaged in disposable, recyclable containers".

Let's see, now. Harking back to my college chemistry, I seem to recall that "ice" in its unfrozen state (liquid) is... water. The term "ice", in fact, applies only to the frozen state (solid) of water. So these so-called "secured ice cubes" aren't ice at all. What you're buying, it would seem, is a disposable ice cube tray with water sealed into its compartments. And according to the latest issue of Consumer Reports, a pack that will make 48 ice cubes (after you freeze them) will go for about $3.99.

Man, at a buck a dozen, my fridge turns out a fortune in ice cubes every day!

But wait, there's more! If ordinary, everyday Ice Rocks aren't good enough for you, the company also produces SCOTCH ROCKS® secured ice cubes for the luxury market. Since they're also made from spring water, I can't quite grasp how they're more luxurious than plain Ice Rocks, but they've been tested as an advertising tool in a co-branding pilot project with Chivas Regal, involving a "kit" of a bottle of Chivas and four (4) secured ice cubes.

Last but not least, the company is "exploring the possibility" of a product called ICE KIDS, which will be brightly colored by virtue of containing "natural fruit extracts". Whereas Scotch Rocks target the luxury market, Ice Kids will target (naturally) the kiddie market. No word on what that'll cost, but one would assume it would be even more than the Ice Rocks meant for the grownups.

Somehow this all reminds me of the old gag gift that consisted of an empty bottle labelled "Instant Water - Just Add H2O!"