Good with burned toast

Some time ago I wrote about my odd tendency to misread signs and headlines, with sometimes disturbing results. Well, I've gathered another batch of such cognitive misfires, which I present for your analysis.

• At $57.99, the Cheap Twill Jackets advertised for sale at a department store seemed mischaracterized. But maybe the price is more reasonable for Chaps Twill Jackets.
• I don't think I'm unusually squeamish, but I cringed when I saw a local optometrist's sign offering Compressive Eye Exams. I think I'll take my ocular health concerns elsewhere, even after realizing his exams are actually "comprehensive".
• I thought the newspaper headline "Fading mental powers 'very big problem' among U.S. senators" was remarkably candid, until I realized that it was "U.S. seniors" that had the problem.
• You can get just about anything in the myriad local strip malls -- according to one storefront sign, apparently even Therapeutic Marriage. My double take revealed that, in reality, the therapeutic offering was only "Massage".
• The job listings in today's paper included an ad from a non-profit that assists adults with disabilities in finding employment. I thought that hiring an Employment Specialist for the Dead might be taking the definition of "disability" a bit too far. But it turns out the employment specialist was going to be specializing in the Deaf, who are certainly much better suited to employment.
  
• An article about apple butter in the newspaper food section claimed "It's good with burned toast or bagel." Frankly, I don't think anything goes well with burned toast. But "buttered toast", yeah.
  
• But that's nothing compared to the description, again in the food section, of a cookbook that's all about cupcakes, including instructions for embellishing them with fun motifs such as "butterflies and dog feces". I cannot describe how relieved I was to find, on second look, that it was "dog faces".