Planet of the Gastroenterologists

As I reread the instructions for the colonoscopy I'm supposed to schedule, I have to wonder what planet doctors come from. Evidently, not one where patients may be single, live alone with no relatives nearby, and have friends who all work during weekdays. If they did come from such a planet, they might understand just how stymied I am by the transportation requirements dictated for someone getting a colonoscopy done.

As I mentioned previously, the colonoscop-ee is not allowed to drive following the procedure, so must have someone to drive them home. Now, on the face of it, that might seem like a relatively trivial requirement. And indeed, for someone with a spouse (or other "significant other"), it probably is generally fairly trivial: I think providing chauffeuring services for a spouse undergoing an Embarrassing Medical Procedure (hereafter referred to as an EMP) probably falls under the "in sickness or in health" clause. So the spouse takes a half day of personal leave from work -- that's what it's for.

But what happens when the person undergoing the EMP does not have a spouse or significant other?

I guess some people would be able to ask an adult child or other relative for a lift. In my case, sans offspring and with my only relatives being two brothers living roughly 1000 miles from me, that's not an option. Cripes, even my ex-husband (who conveyed me to and from my sigmoidoscopy a decade ago, i.e., before he became an ex) is 600 miles away, or I'd ask him.

So what does that leave?

1. A co-worker. Oh, wait, I don't have any since being laid off in January. The one former co-worker from that job that I might have asked was also laid off and is moving back to Ohio as soon as she closes on the sale of her house (any day now), ergo, she will not be available.
   
2. A neighbor. Sorry, no, I don't know any of them well enough to ask them to accompany me to an EMP. (Yeah, I'm reclusive. What else would I be, living in an area where it seems to be 80-100 degrees and 95% humidity for at least 8 months out of 12? I'm staying inside enjoying my new air conditioner, not out in the yard hobnobbing with the neighbors.)
3. A taxi. Nope, according to the instructions, "Public transportation or taxicabs are NOT ALLOWED, unless you are accompanied by a responsible adult." [Emphasis is from the original copy, not added.] Sheesh, if I had a responsible adult to accompany me, I wouldn't need a taxi.
   
4. A friend. OK, contrary to popular belief, I do have a few. A couple of them even still live in South Hampton Roads.
   

So let's explore possibility #4. Maybe a friend could just drop me off and then I could call them to pick me up when it's done. What do the instructions say?

Please arrange for transportation home. Our policy requires a responsible adult escort you from the Endoscopy suite, drive you home, and stay with you for the remainder of the procedure day. [Italics are mine.] You may not meet your ride in the parking lot.

Well, aside from the stipulation that the "responsible adult" must remain with you for the remainder of the day (I mean, really, is that any of the gastroenterologist's business?), maybe that's doable. But wait a minute, what's this further down the page?

We ask that your driver stay in our waiting room during your procedure.

In other words, I can't just ask someone to go out of their way to drop me off -- potentially as early as 7:30 AM, but possibly as late as 2:30 PM, and I won't know the timing until I schedule the EMP -- and then come back when I call them. Oh, no, they've got to hang out there for two to three hours so they'll be available to escort me out as soon as the EMP is finished.

I don't know about you, but my friends have jobs, spouses that also work, and kids to drop off/pick up from day care. It's one thing to expect a spouse to take off from work, ferry you around at odd hours, and cool their heels in the waiting room (again, that whole "sickness and health" business). It's quite something else to ask the same thing of a friend who has his or her hands full with the sickness and health of their own family, and frankly I don't consider it a reasonable request (even disregarding the "stay with you for the remainder of the day" clause).

The gastro office called me yesterday to ask if I was ready to schedule my EMP yet. I wonder what they would say if I told them I'll schedule it as soon as they find me a responsible adult escort/chauffeur, because I ain't got one.