Greer's Law

Greer's Law

A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.

... an axiom amply demonstrated by the web applications inherited by the project team for which I write documentation.

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Weiler's Law

Weiler's Law

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

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Robert Benchley on retirement

The thing to do is to make so much money that you don't have to work after the age of twenty-seven. In case this is impractical, stop working at the earliest moment, even if it is a quarter past eleven in the morning of the day when you find you have enough money.

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Jimi Hendrix once said...

"Castles made of sand fall in the sea eventually."

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Kensington's Observation

Kensington's Observation
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

...and not necessarily in that order, if my own observations mean anything.

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Arnold's Laws of Documentation

Arnold's First Law of Documentation
If it should exist, it doesn't.

Arnold's Second Law of Documentation
If it does exist, it's out of date.

Arnold's Third Law of Documentation
Only useless documentation transcends the first two laws.

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Marshall's First Law of the Legislature

Marshall's First Law of the Legislature

Never let the facts get in the way of a carefully thought-out bad decision.

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Gerhardt's Law Strikes Again... and Again

A couple months ago I elaborated on Gerhardt's Law ("If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply because they will stop making it.") and its many applications to my life. Since then, it hasn't gone away. Oh, no, Gerhardt's Law is alive and well, and it has my name all over it. To wit:

1. One of the previous examples I gave of things I liked that succumbed to the Law was "Mazola 100% corn oil margarine. Fleischmann's 100% corn oil margarine." (I guess maybe that's two things.) Well, apparently I can now extend that to include Kroger's 100% corn oil margarine. It was the only corn oil margarine I had been able to find in this area, and it was only a buck a pound. I don't buy much at Kroger's, but I did drop in every so often and pick up half a dozen pounds and put them in the freezer. So today, finding myself down to my last half-pound, I went to Kroger's. And found only soybean oil margarine (tagged as "NEW!") with a Kroger label. No sign of the corn oil "Churn Gold" stuff, and no empty slot in the cooler where it should be. Crap. Soybean oil margarine... well, to put it delicately, it doesn't agree with my digestion.
2. Unlike the ill-fated New Coke, I actually liked Coke C2. It didn't taste exactly like Classic Coke, but I liked it OK, especially if I drank only C2 so I wasn't constantly comparing the two. At half the calories, it was a nice compromise for someone like me who hates Diet Coke. So of course, it has now apparently disappeared from the local market. I haven't heard anything specific about it being discontinued, but my suspicion is that it's being replaced by Coke Zero (which I tried and I don't like).

The only question I have is this: How the hell do they always know what I like, so they can stop making it?

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Horwood's Eighth Law

Horwood's Eighth Law

In complex systems, there is no relationship between information gathered and decisions made.

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McKernan's Maxim

McKernan's Maxim

Those who are unable to learn from past meetings are condemned to repeat them.

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Gerhardt's Law

Gerhardt's Law

If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply because they will stop making it.

And McCracken's Extension reads "... or stop selling it throughout the entire region where I live." Now this is the story of my life. If I had a nickel for every product I've liked that promptly disappeared from the market -- well, I wouldn't be rich, but I'd sure have a helluva lotta nickels! This unfortunate trait was inherited from my mother, along with always ending up in the slowest line at the store. (My mother, you see, was a Murphy, and ran afoul of Murphy's Laws and their ilk with great regularity.)

What kind of things am I talking about? Here's a random (i.e., whatever pops into my head in the next few minutes) sample.

• Jergens' Naturals soap with aloe and lanolin. At least I have to assume they stopped making it (at least in the US -- I got that image off a Canadian site), since I haven't been able to find it anywhere for a couple of years. Actually, this was the second part of a 1-2 punch; I had been using a very nice aloe soap from Bath & Body Shop for quite a while, until that was discontinued, so I switched to the Jergens'.
• Ivory Shampoo. This was great while it lasted; unscented, worked well, and inexpensive, especially if you got it someplace like Wal-Mart. So of course, they stopped making it. I think Pantene shampoos replaced it, which cost a lot more.
• Betty Crocker Snackin' Cake mix. Well, to be honest, I just looked on the bettycrocker.com site, and supposedly it's still part of the product line. Where they sell it, I have no idea, but it's not in South Hampton Roads. This still qualifies under the original law, though, because they used to make Snackin' Cake mix around 25-30 years ago and discontinued it (again, in the US -- you could still get it in Canada). So I was quite pleased when it rose again, phoenix-like, 3 or 4 years ago. Unfortunately, it didn't last long around here.
• The original Coca-Cola. Yes, we got it back, more or less, but only after millions of Coke fanatics raised merry old hell about the switch to that insipid "New Coke", and it was never quite the same (I believe that's when they changed from using all sucrose to part high-fructose corn syrup). This was one case where I was able to follow the advice of Gerhardt's Law and stock up, because you couldn't miss the publicity about it. Most products that disappear do so silently; you just one day go to buy a new bottle of shampoo and find that your brand is gone. But our drugstore chain must have had a huge stash of original Coke in the warehouse, because they continued selling it for weeks after other stores had restocked with New Coke, and I socked away enough in my basement that it lasted me until the company relented and reissued Classic Coke.
• PlayMates Star Trek action figures. I wish they had kept producing them at least long enough to make a Major Rakal figure. :-(
• Stouffer's Lobster Newburg. It was pricy, but man, was it good for an occasional indulgence.
• Some brand of gravy mix, the name of which I have forgotten (Mrs. Something-or-other), but it came in a little reclosable canister so you could spoon out as much as you wanted, instead of the one-cup packets, and you could stir it into hot liquid without it lumping up like flour does.
• Kellogg's for a while made a cereal that was sort of like mini shredded wheats, but with a fruity center. It was quite tasty, so of course it didn't last. Can't have that...
• Mazola 100% corn oil margarine. Fleischmann's 100% corn oil margarine.
• J.C. Penney's cushion-sole socks in the blue denim heather color.
• Orange-flavored canned cake frosting (I can't remember if it was Duncan Hines or Betty Crocker that made it).
• Star Trek CCG First Edition.

I could go on, but you get the picture. This just scratches the surface of Gerhardt's Law as it applies to me.

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Fresco's Discovery & Corollary

Fresco's Discovery

If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.

Corollary

Just because you're bored doesn't mean you know what you're doing.

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Law of Institutions

From The Murphy's Law 2004 Calendar (August 12):

Law of Institutions

The opulence of the front-office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.

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Conway's Law

From The Murphy's Law 2004 Calendar (November 4):

Conway's Law

In every office there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

Discuss, compare, and contrast.

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The Law of Reruns

If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.

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Isaac Asimov once said...

We have probably all met people who are intensely educated, but who manage to be abysmally stupid, nevertheless.

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Competence

When I was small, I thought grown-ups knew what they were doing. Now I know better. There aren't any grown-ups; there's only us.

- David Vestal, Popular Photography (February 1983)

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Who said...

"I shall go into the village, and quaff a few root beers."

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